The Sarcastic Vincent and Lucrecia Story
by seasonofthepumpkin
Summary: A sequel of sorts to TSHAVS. Sarcasm abounds...


The Sarcastic Vincent and Lucrecia Story  
  
starring Sarcastic! Vincent and Sarcastic! Lucrecia.  
  
guest spots by Clueless! Cloud, and Pottymouth! Cid.  
  
by Sarcastic! seasonofthepumpkin   
  
For: Rach. Glad you liked it. ::laughs::  
  
"Wow. Who would have known that taking this newly acquired  
  
submarine through that underwater  
  
tunnel would lead us to a previously inaccessible cave behind a previously   
  
inaccessible waterfall?" Cloud scratched his spiky (spiky Spiky!) head.  
  
No one said a word. Cid was too amazed that Cloud  
  
had finally said something that indicated that he had indeed been paying   
  
attention to what was going on. Vincent said nothing because he  
  
never said anything that didn't have something to do with his sins or   
  
his own misery.  
  
"Well...? Why is everyone staring at me like that? Let's mosey."  
  
That broke the silence.   
  
"What the fuck you mean, 'Why is everyone staring at me like that?   
  
Let's mosey'? That has to be the fucking stupidest  
  
thing you've ever said! And that's sayin' something, dammit!" Cid yelled, waving  
  
his mop furiously while choking on his eightieth cigarette that morning.   
  
Cloud's cheeks reddened. "Not as stupid as that damned mop...!" he returned lamely,  
  
wishing he could go hide under a rock somewhere.   
  
"Hey, the fucking mop is brilliant, especially since that airsick ninja ya'll  
  
brought along insists on using the damned Highwind as her personal puke sack!" he  
  
waved it in Cloud's face, little chunks of dried vomit flaking dangerously close.  
  
"Ewwww!" Cloud screamed, batting the mop away from his still red face. "I hate all of you!  
  
I hate everyone on this fucking submarine except Vincent and his fangirls!   
  
At least he knows when  
  
to shut up!"  
  
Cid turned around to see who was on board the submarine only to see Vincent  
  
leaning against the wall arms crossed over his chest. There were also a few fangirls  
  
lying at his feet sighing contentedly.   
  
"More fucking fangirls? I thought we threw them all out at the last stop?! And   
  
how the fuck did they get into an air-tight submarine with no one noticing?!"  
  
Cid poked one with the end of the mop with no result. She merely gave him a dreamy  
  
look and went back to softly carressing Vincent's pointy metal shoes.  
  
"..." Vincent said, shaking his head sadly.  
  
"See!?" Cloud said, pulling Vincent over and throwing his claw over his shouder.  
  
Vincent pushed Cloud away and resumed his pose against the submarine wall.  
  
"Although I don't really like to say anything that doesn't either pertain to my own  
  
misery or my numerous sins, I would have to agree with Cid. That was pretty fucking stupid."  
  
Cloud frowned and docked the submarine. "Whatever. Everyone get out."  
  
Cid looked around yet again to see who 'everyone' was, still only seeing Vincent  
  
and the fangirls curled at his feet.   
  
"Fucking stupid..." He growled, kicking a fangirl out of the way and stepping on another's  
  
arm as he exited the submarine. Vincent slowly walked to the hatch, trying to  
  
shake the two clutching his shoes off. Sighing, he bent down and slipped his feet out  
  
of his boots, leaving both footwear and fangirls behind.   
  
Cloud sat and pouted for a moment until he realized that most important events  
  
centered around him for some reason. A smile lit up his face, and he hastily leapt through  
  
the hatch.   
  
"I hope that something cool enough to warrant a CG happens in that cave. That'll show  
  
everyone." He said with a smirk, hurrying to the cave.  
  
  
  
***  
  
The three fangirls finally looked up after Cloud left.  
  
"Why does he keep saying 'everyone' when there were only two main characters on board?"  
  
The first asked, pausing in her shoe adoration.  
  
"Who cares?" Said the second, clutching one of Vincent's socks to her cheek  
  
like the holy grail.  
  
"If we stick around long enough, we might get his pants."  
  
The third merely trembled at the thought while licking Vincent's left shoe.  
  
***  
  
"Shiny ass cave." Cid said, poking a wall with his disgusting mop.  
  
"Shut up, Cid...! Be quiet and wait for something to advance the plot, which will likely  
  
be centered around me!" Cloud cried, a smug look on his face. As he stood there eagerly  
  
awaiting an inevitable CG event, the cave began to glow eerily.  
  
"See! Any moment now!"   
  
The three stood in silence, waiting for the plot to be advanced.  
  
And at last, a disembodied voice spoke.  
  
"Sephiroth..."  
  
Cloud waited expectently. And waited. And waited. An hour passed, and nothing happened.   
  
"Dammit!" Cloud yelled, hitting the cave wall with the flat of his sword.  
  
"This must be one of those things like that amorphous pink blob in the church  
  
in Midgar! Lets just go."  
  
"Wait....! Vincent..." The disembodied voice spoke again, freezing them in thier steps.   
  
Vincent blinked.  
  
Cloud and Cid stared in disbelief.   
  
"Now it's my time to step in the angst spotlight... I mean, Lucrecia!"  
  
Vincent shouted, running towards the glowing alter.   
  
"Stay back...!"  
  
Vincent continued his way to the alter, certainly not considering there  
  
might be a valid reason to stay back, like radiation or anything like that.  
  
"Stay back...!" Lucrecia flickered into view, certainly not considering that this  
  
would only serve to make him come even closer.  
  
"Lucrecia...!" He was almost up on the alter now, ready to break down into a sobbing  
  
heap in front of her to show her just how morose and depressed her absence had left him.  
  
The world would finally see just how serious he was about his self-imposed guilt over  
  
this woman.   
  
"Stay the fuck back!" She shouted, pulling a shiny (shiny Shiny!) hunk of rock from the  
  
wall and chucking it at his head. Vincent stopped, narrowly avoiding being knocked out.  
  
It seemed that Lucrecia ::did:: have good aim when she wanted to.  
  
"I never got to hold him... Not even once. That is my sin--" She began to say  
  
suitably angsty things, but shook her head and stopped after a moment.   
  
"Did you and Hojo get it on after I either died or became radioactive and  
  
hid out in this cave?"  
  
"Only to advance the plot." Vincent replied, still managing to make his eyes a bit teary,   
  
to increase the angst factor.   
  
"Why did I see that coming? I thought I could leave the plot to you two and ::something::  
  
interesting would happen, but I never imagined you'd have to resort to playing  
  
the yaoi card." Lucrecia absentmindedly removed her glasses and began polishing  
  
them on her labcoat, which had some how managed to look brand new even though  
  
she'd spent the last thirty years in a damp cave behind a waterfall. The atmosphere in the   
  
cave couldn't be good for fabrics, now matter how shiny and magical the walls appeared.  
  
"It was Hojo's idea." He replied lamely, but then realized that he could still turn this into  
  
an angst-fest. "His... his hands... god, they were so cold... and yet I thought of you,  
  
'Crecia....through that awful night my heart was only with you..."  
  
"I'm sure you did," she said, checking her glowing fingernails for dirt. "By the   
  
way, the other day I found this stuff, I think some of it belongs to you."  
  
She motioned to a messy looking pile a few feet from the alter that had gone  
  
unnoticed the whole time they'd been in the cave.   
  
Cid and Cloud looked at each other, and leaped onto the pile, figuring that if they  
  
had to listen to Vincent whine they should be compensated. Pockets and arms full, they  
  
skittered from the cave, Cid pausing at the entrance and looking over his shoulder   
  
at Vincent.  
  
"Well, we're gonna go cash this shit in, see you later, vampy." Cid grinned, lit up a  
  
cigarette, and bolted after Cloud, who had already hopped into the submarine.   
  
Vincent just stood there and watched Cid and Cloud take the things that Lucrecia  
  
had obviously thought important enough to point out, and began to pout. He opened  
  
his mouth to say something appropriately angsty, but Lucrecia shushed him.  
  
"I'd already tryed to pawn most of it, but they only offered twenty gil. I told  
  
them to fuck off." She said, a slight smile on her glowing face. Vincent sighed and tried  
  
to creep closer, but she had already pulled another rock from the wall and held  
  
it loosely in her hand.   
  
"But my love...all those years I slept, and the nightmares... it was all for you--"  
  
"Here. They missed this." She said, cutting him off and kneeling to retrieve a   
  
small vial filled with a dangerous looking liquid. "I don't know what it is,  
  
but it could cure cancer or the common cold so you might wanna hold on to it."  
  
He opened his mouth yet again to angst, but she silenced him again by picking up  
  
a fearsome-looking gun.   
  
"Looks like they missed this too. The pawn broker told me it was all but worthless,  
  
with no materia growth and all. But I thought you might find a use for it." He took the  
  
gun, and yet again opened his mouth to say something.  
  
"Look, Vincent. I know how you became a self-loathing miserable person and it  
  
was all for me, but I think everyone understands that without you mincing around  
  
crying. It's a touching thought, but it's okay, really."  
  
"..."  
  
"Well, you should go after your companions before something important like a CG  
  
happens and you're not there for it."  
  
Vincent took a deep breath, and Lucrecia help up her hand, shaking her head.   
  
Vincent's mouth slowly curled into a smile.   
  
"Hey Lucrecia... wanna fuck?"  
  
She stood there for a moment, trying to digest this latest twist.   
  
"It's not really necessary to the plot... but sure."  
  
And so they began to engage in the (not) plot-necessary sexual relations that   
  
could be either devoid of any description whatsoever, or full of sick squishing noises  
  
and detailed descriptions of the character's genitalia. You decide which.  
  
Whichever you chose, know that seasonofthepumpkin will not like be writing any more  
  
Sarcastic! fics for a while.  
  
  
  
***  
  
Seasonfthepumpkin was relieved to find Sephiroth1Ripley8 on AIM the night she finished  
  
this sarcastic tale. It turned out that she was alive, and besides missing an arm  
  
from an encounter with a particularly fanatic Yuffentine fan, she seemed to be in  
  
good spirits.   
  
"Well, you know what time it is."  
  
Sephiroth1Ripley8 nodded grimly.  
  
They both took a deep breath as seasonofthepumpkin hit the 'post' button.   
  
And since it was a cold night, they awaited the flames together. 


End file.
